Losing Focus

That was a disappointment.  This dose of Nubain wasn't working AT. ALL.

I was losing focus pretty quickly.  I felt like a flailing baby, alone... falling... out of control.  Matt could not help, Hailey could not help (really anyway, what could they do? How could they know what I needed if I couldn't tell them?) I turned to the nurse for support and asked her what to do next because I had used up all my tricks.

She sweetly suggested an epidural.

With modern monitors and medication do nurses even know how to take care of laboring women anymore?  Or are they just there to interpret the information the machine spits out and administer the medication that takes care of the pain so you don't have to?  Is that why they insisted I remain in bed... to be monitored?  Would this nurse have had any idea how to help and support me through a tough labor had it not been near the end?  Have they lost the art because no one requires it of them anymore?  It never dawned on my that I should have added "a intuitive/caring nurse" to the list of prayers I had been reciting for the last few weeks.  I know having more support wouldn't have changed the outcome, it's pretty black and white:  All pregnant women eventually end up delivering.  A healthy baby and mom are the main objectives but the avenues taken to get to that end... do they matter?  I still think so.  I believe I am in the minority.

UGH!

"Let's just check you and see where you're at."

"5"

Because I know how my body labors, I knew this was it....  Soon I'd have a baby!

I voiced "It can't be long now"  because I knew...

I knew it darn-it! 

This is why the drugs weren't working... This was transition for me...  I knew it...

Replaying each of my experiences with this phase I always dubbed as my "don't remember time",  I knew it was almost time for "call the doctor", "set the stage" and "BAM! 7-8-9-10 -Baby".


I will never forget the look on the nurse's face as she replied to my statement of "It can't be long now".

The words, not so much, but the look... annoyance, irritation, pretentiousness...

"Well, I don't know about that."

BOOM!

Gone was my focus.  Every thing I knew, I didn't know anymore.  I lost all confidence and felt completely overwhelmed... I cried.  She had somehow, with that one look, undone all I had in me...

Defeated, I gave in... I caved... I went against all I knew about myself and my stamina.  I requested an epidural.

She checked me again... 8.  Too late for an epidural.

I wish I could report that with that news I mustered my fortitude and pressed on.  But I didn't.  I went on because I had no choice. 

I told her I was going to turn over and push.  She checked me again... 10. 

 I knew it darn-it!

I opened my eyes expecting to see the doctor and more nurses or at least the spotlights on.  Nothing.  No one.

I remember asking "Where is everybody?"  I don't know if anyone answered.

Next time I opened my eyes the stage was set...  the doctor appeared... I was pretzel-ed and pushing.  No one was talking (or cheering) I had no idea if I was making any progress.  I remember asking how I was doing and calling for some encouragement...

If there is a next time... I'm bringing the pep-band.

Climbing the Mountain

Nubain can only be given once every two hours.  I had a half an hour to go.

The feeling of being split in two was hitting me like a jack-hammer again but as the nurse checked me and said I was at 4ish I began to focus on my breathing and what has gotten me through most of my other labors.

It's a little trick I learned before Griffin was born and has always been useful to me.

Picture, if you will, a contraction as a line on a graph.  As the line rises the pain increases, and each contraction is like a mountain.  While in the valley, you are pain free.  On the way up the mountain the pain increases, but is usually tolerable... up to a point... the peak.  Only as you reach the summit does the contraction feel all consuming.  The second you start the descent, the torturous feeling gives way to cramping, the cramping lessens to aching and then, when you reach the valley, you can once again relax.

The trick is to convince yourself that, during this whole "mountaineering" process, only the few seconds at the pinnacle hurt.  The rest can be labeled "increasingly uncomfortable" or "steadily decreasing on the pain scale".  So actually, even when your contractions are lasting 1.5 minutes and they are 3 minutes apart, only a fraction of that is excruciating, the rest is a piece of cake!

On the fetal monitoring machine there is also a number associated with where on the mountain you are currently.  Matt's job has always been to watch that number and tell me the instant it decreases.  I don't think he understood why that was important to me.  Either I never explained it to him, or he wasn't listening when I gave that particular instruction, (or maybe he didn't care one iota about me and was actually in cahoots with that evil nurse)  because he was saying things like

"Well, that was a biggie" and

"whoa, it keeps going up"

or holding out on telling me when the number went down because he was waiting to see if it would go back up,

instead of just saying "it's going down"  which was all I wanted to hear.

There was no time to explain it now.  If I could just make it to 9:30 pm, I could have another shot of Nubain and all would be well with the world.

As I watched the hands on the clock move in slow motion, I, in my most convincing tone, requested, ever so sweetly, that the nurse have the drugs ready to administer immediately as the second hand reached the appropriate location.  I saw her go through the motions, but I don't think she ever went through with it.  (and I think I saw her head spin around)

I waited for that euphoric sensation, the giggling... the relief never came...

Pain Management

... so yeah, I cried...

Every time (but the first time because I had no idea what was going to happen) the rupturing of the membranes caused me to rethink the whole idea of having a baby.  No matter how much I had hoped it would happen or no matter how much I had begged the doctor to "induce me today, I've cleared my calendar... I promise... I'll make it quick"

I've cried and I've told everyone I changed my mind and I'm going home.  Being pregnant isn't that bad... and this time was no exception.

By now things were quite intense and I was pretty sure that someone was methodically sawing me in half with a dull butcher knife while systematically trying to open a hydraulically powered automatic beach umbrella in my hooha.  Add to that the fact that I was only at 3ish cm, strapped to the bed by the automatic blood pressure cuff, the IV lines, the fetal monitors and the paralysis of back labor,  I'm not surprised that I, for the first time ever, considered an epidural for pain management.  The new shift nurse asked me if I wanted anything.  I told her no but to come back in 20 minutes for my final answer.

An hour later when she appeared I had lost all respect for her, and everyone else for that matter,  and asked for Nubain.  I had to clear it with Hailey first as she was all up in my face and reminding me that I had done it before without any medication... I saw her head spin around at that moment, I just know it.

(Or maybe it was mine)

Then, I'm pretty sure I told her to shove it because she backed off and the nurse administered the medication.

Immediately, I started to giggle. 

For about an hour I felt great, dreamily saying things like "Ooooooo...That one hurted" or "Heeeeyyyyy you guys... "  or so they tell me.





Then, it wore off...

Ramona Caroline is Here

3 Weeks already?  Oh my, how the time has flown.

We welcomed Ramona Caroline into the world Tuesday, October 5, 2010.  She was 8 pounds 5 ounces and 21 inches long.  Born at 22:22 with much pain and agony.

Seriously, I think this was the most painful of all my births... it could have had to do with the fact that I was tired and worn out from labor... or it could have had to do with the fact that because I was tired and worn out and had lost my focus, I demanded pain medication.  It wore off right about the time I hit transition.  My biggest fear realized... Really, that's why I opted out of pain medication for all my other deliveries.  Now I know. 

It all started on Monday night with a dose of Cervidil to ripen my cervix.  With my 38 week pregnant belly measuring 43 weeks gestation, I settled in for the night with my Ambien while Matt and Hailey tried to get comfortable on the crappy hospital furniture sans medication.  8 am Tuesday morning brought no results so the Pitocin was started.

I've been induced for 4 out of the 6 times I've delivered babies and even the ones whose labor started naturally a definite pattern has been detected.  It takes FOR.EV.ER. to get things started.  I could walk around for a few weeks dilated to 3 and then even after labor starts things are very slow moving until about 6 cm.  Then BAM! 7-8-9-10-BABY in less than an hour.  I know this about myself.  I told the nurses who were with me all day that this was my normal pattern, so I wasn't too worried at noon when I was only dilated about 1 cm, the same as I was the week before at the doctor's office.  I was having contractions and they were regular but they were not being overly productive.

We Skyped with the boys who were waiting at home, we watched a marathon of Billy the Exterminator on TV, and Matt and Hailey ate breakfast, lunch and dinner before things started to look promising.  The contractions were wrapping around into my back... oh, the wonderful back labor that I am so familiar with.

For some reason they would not allow me to roam.  Just getting them to allow me to be upright in a chair was a fight.  By 4pm  I was adamant that they let me get up and walk around.  They agreed as long as I promised to come back every 15 minutes to be monitored... The first 10 minutes I was out and about I had 7 contractions.  WaHooo!

My 2nd attempt didn't get me past the nurses station when my water started to break.  Funny way to word that I know... but it took about an hour for me to gush out all the fluid that was hanging out in there!  I soaked through towel after towel, chucks pad after chuck pad...  2 changes of bed sheets and a few mop ups of the floor before it slowed down enough to consider it done.  "Copious amounts" one nurse commented.  I had set some kind of record in her mind and 33 years experience in Labor and Delivery. 

Without all that extra pressure my uterus relaxed a bit and contractions slowed.  I knew this was where the rubber meets the road, the real fun stuff was going to happen... and like every other time I had gotten to this point... I started to cry...

To be continued

40 Things

1. I was born in La Crosse, WI
   
2. I've only lived in 6 different cities (not counting college) and I've been in this one since I was 13.
3. I never had a problem making friends.
   
4. Being "new and novel" was a lot easier for me than learning to maintain friendships.
5. All I ever really wanted to be was a wife and mother. Especially after I found out how long it would take to become a Veterinarian.
6. I don't remember a time in my life (before marriage) that we didn't have a dog.
7. I have personally only had cats as pets. Oh, and gerbils and fish...do they count?
   
8. I once owned a guppy that had 10 + babies every month or so! Her name was Big Momma.
   
9. I've flushed live guppies down the toilet.
   
10. I met Matt on a blind date the day after my 17th birthday.
11. I secretly wanted my wedding dress to be an exact replica of Princess Diana's.
12. Matt had an MRI the week before our wedding to rule out a brain tumor. It ended up just being Bell's Palsy.
13. I still have 1 plant from my wedding.
14. I don't have a problem organizing, I just find it impossible hard to maintain.
15. I'm not good at hard stuff. (See #'s 3-5 and 14)
16. I learned the hard way to wash your hands after applying Carmex and before removing your contacts.
17. I had 5 surgeries in the first 9 years of marriage.
18. I experienced unmedicated natural childbirth with all 5 of my kids.
19. The nurse I had for #5 had never seen a woman give birth without drugs.
20. Maybe I am good at hard stuff.
21. I learned to drive on a stick shift. Thanks for making me Dad!
22. I always believed it was necessary for my kids to take their test with a stick shift or they would never learn.
    
23. My kids will not learn how to drive with a stick, because we don't own one I would trust them with.
    
24. I've learned that changing my expectations mid-stream is okay once in a while.
25. I refill my own ink cartridges.
26. I am sometimes messy with my ink cartridges.
27. I am fiercely loyal.
    
28. The 1st real computer I ever owned was a Mac.
29. I am a die hard Mac fan.
30. I am also a die hard Packer fan.
31. I am a die hard Brett Favre fan.
32. If Brett signs with the Vikings next season I will cheer for him over the Packers.
33. My favorite seasons in order are: Summer, late Spring, early Fall, Winter, late Fall, early Spring.
34. My skin used to burn, peel and then start over again until I was pregnant with Griffin. Now I tan and rarely burn.
35. My eyes change color depending on what I wear.
    
36. I used to love blue mascara.
37. I fantasize about selling everything I own, buying land in the country and living on the bus full time. Well, not everything, I'd have to keep our books to do school. And not full time, it'd get awfully cramped in the winter. It couldn't be too far in the country because trips into town would cost way too much.
    
38. I am very practical.
39. I don't have time for fantasies.
40. I'm 40 today!!!!!!!
    

Seven things

I was tagged for an award/meme recently from Karen. While I do appreciate that someone thinks I am creative, I was even more excited that I get to talk about myself because... they asked! (and I try not to talk too much about myself...unless I'm asked. I'm still working on perfecting that.)

Yay! Me, Me, Me!


Seven things I did before children:
Camped in a tent
Whatever I wanted
Worked full time outside the home
Dishes
Remembered birthdays
Got good gas mileage in my cute little black car
You know...where ever...when ever.

Seven things I do now
Laundry
Forget things
Camp in a bus
Home school
Wipe hineys
Get hugs and kisses whenever I want
Watch lots of soccer and football games
sometimes all simultaneously!


Seven things I would like to do
Not forget things
Whatever I want
One thing at a time
Live on a hobby farm
Use the bus off season as my own space
Have a secret, retractable 3rd arm installed
Make everyone happy at the same time

Seven things I say most often
Shhhhh
One at a time
Who broke _______?
Did you brush your teeth?
Get off the computer
Did you sleep well?
I love you too!

There was another category Seven things that attract me to my husband , but I'm not going to share that with anyone but him. Hey, it's a family blog!

Full Disclosure or Relative Obscurity

I vacillate between the two.

Over at The More, The Messier yesterday I won a contest. When I mailed the Suburban Correspondent my address so she could send my prize, she emailed me back and sent along some blogging tips. She suggested I give a little more freely of our details to make it easier on the newcomer to figure out the basics.

Makes sense to me. I know, when I first discover a blog, it is nice to have all the facts right there in front of me so I know who's who. So I started writing an "about me" blurb for my side bar. The more I wrote, and deleted, and wrote some more I realized that I don't know what I want people to know about me, so I stuck with the facts.

If I disclose that we homeschool, some will picture me in braids and a denim jumper before they even meet me. If that fact turns them off, they'll never stick around for the other fun stuff we do. If I merely mention homeschooling in my posts, some people will think "Oh wow, they homeschool, and they seemed so normal."

If I disclose that we have 5 kids, some will have expectations that I will never live up to. If I merely mention quite a few kids at a time, they may wonder if I do daycare? Or maybe they really do have a hand full of kids.

I have strong opinions about certain things, but usually will not voice them unless I am asked. I try not to whine and complain, but I'm human and sometimes it slips.

I guess what I want for people who discover my blog is to decide who we are on their own. I know the facts wouldn't hurt, but as far as our interests, I think you'll be able to figure them out if you stick around long enough.

We home school, but we haven't always.
Along with me and Matt there are 5 kids, 3 cats, and a tank full of fish living in our house.
Hailey (16)
Hayden (15)
Griffin (10)
Sam (6)
Isaac (4)
Our interests are varied and change on a daily basis.
We strive to do the right thing, but most of the time we don't know exactly what that is.


So there you have it. Happy medium. Obscure disclosure.

Stick around, if you figure us out, let me know, it might make my journey a littler easier.

What kind of shoe are you?

According to this survey, I'm bare feet, does that mean my feet are my shoes? If you've ever seen my feet you'd probably say yes...

Hey, I have working feet,
I don't need shoes to cross a gravel road.
I would be the last one standing on hot concrete is there was a contest.
I think that's something to be proud of... My husband says he has royalty feet... what.ever.

As an end to my birthday contest take the test and give me your answer in the comment section. I can't wait to see what you get.

You Are Bare Feet

You are a true free spirit, and you can't be tied down. Even wearing shoes can be a little too constraining for you at times! You are very comfortable in your own skin. You are one of the most real people around. You don't have anything to hide. Open and accepting, you are willing to discuss or entertain almost any topic. You are a very tolerant person. You are accepting and not judgmental. You should live: Somewhere warm You should work: At your own business, where you can set the rules

What Kind of Shoe Are You?

Happy Birthday To Me

Since today is my birthday. I'd like to give you something. How crazy is that?

Here's the plan. You're going to comment, and I'm going to give away a prize next week.

I'm thinking a gift card. Barnes and Noble, Starbucks, or something cool like that. You may comment on any post, just as long as it's a real comment relevant to the post, not "enter me" or "Hi".

One comment per post. (If you already commented the post previously, comment again if you want it to count) I've got 76 commentable posts counting this one, so you could conceivably have 76 entries today and 7 for my new posts coming up!

How exciting!

Tell your neighbors, tell your friends!

The giveaway will end next Thursday at midnight (central time). I will randomly choose an entry from comments dated between now and then.

I'm excited to hear what you have to say!